Archive for the Category »Humor «

Jan

Band-aids for the face!!

“HAAaa, ha, ha….you look CRAZY, cuckoo!” me, holding on to my stomach, and can’t stop laughing.

We were at a Chinese New Year fair down in Los Angeles, and my father visited a booth that turned old people into loonies.

“Okay. Why do you let these people put these ridiculous looking Band-aids all over your face?” I finally calmed down a bit so I could post this question to my dad.

“They will make my eyes see better!” my father said with his eyes popping wildly.

“Better than 20 20 vision?!” me.

“No. I have Cataract in my eye. These stickers will make the blurry vision go away.” dad.

“How do you know they will work?” me.

“Because these people advertise these circle Band-aides EVERYWHERE!” dad.

“That doesn’t mean it works!” me, continue laughing.

“Too bad it is so expensive. They want $40 for 2 week supply! If they were cheap, I will definitely buy them” dad.

“I think I would prefer blurry vision over walking around with Band-aides all over my face.” me

“No, you only have to wear them for 2 months. Then you are all good.” dad.

I took another good look at him, and laughed more.

“$160 dollars…just for wearing these crazy looking band-aides for 2 months, and you will be cured of Cataract!” me, shouting on the street, “Look, if you could find just one person who needs Cataract surgery, and after 2 months wearing these things, his eye doctor declare him free of Cataract, and no longer need the surgery, then I will pay for these stickers for you.”

“You are almost 80 years old, why are you still so gullible!” me.

“I think it is working.” dad.

“Why?!” me.

“I feel this tinkling around my eyes already” dad.

I looked at my father, and began to feel uneasy about my genetic inheritance.

My mind flashed back to a fancy cosmetic store, where the friendly sales clerk had me try an ultra expensive anti-wrinkle eye care cream. I distinctively remembered how I affirmed that the cream had indeed caused the expected tinkling sensation around my eye. Or the other times, when I walked around the house wearing my facial mask that persistently startled my poor husband and children.

I had spent thousands of dollars on these products to combat lines that creep up on my face, and undoubtedly are on the hook to spend thousands more. Yet, I am keenly aware that the lines have held their positions, and even slowly gaining grounds.

So, I said to my father, “Dad, I will buy these circle band-aides for your eyes. At least we know of one solid benefit of them.”

“What’s that?” dad.

“Non-stop laughter for me.” me, still laughing.

Previous related post: The Coolest Retirement Hobby
For Sure…I guarantee it!

Category: Humor, Parents Leave a Comment

Jan

Every Second Counts

admin

“Hey, how are you?” I greeted our favorite waitress at a local Chinese restaurant that we frequent.

“Oh, not so good. I have been worrying over my daughter these days.” she lamented.

I remembered that she has a daughter about my 13-year-old’s age.

“Why? What’s going on with her?” me, anticipating typical teenage issues.

“Her study. My daughter’s English is not so good, she has trouble with comprehension.” waitress.

“Oh. So, she is struggling with English.” me.

“No. SAT.” waitress.

“S.A.T??” me, with a blank look on my face.

“Yes, SAT. The big test for college. I bought her a big book to help her study for it.” waitress.

“Your kid is in high school already?” me.

“No, 8th grade. Same as your older one.” waitress, pointing to my 13-year-old.

“What do you make her study the SAT for?? They don’t start taking that test until their junior or senior year in high school.” me, “Of course she is not ready for the SAT. She is in middle school. SAT is like 3 years away.

“Her English is not good. I want to give her a head start…” waitress.

Before I could lecture her further on her obvious faulty mothering skills, she got called away to another table.

So, I turned my energy onto my family.

“Can you believe this? She makes her 13-year-old practice SAT 3 years too early, then she worries herself over it!” me, “and she’s putting unreasonable stress on the poor kid.”

“You kids are lucky that I don’t cause you stress like that.” me, feeling self-righteous.

My 13-year-old gave me that eye roll.

“WHAT?!” me. “I don’t give you kids stress.” I insisted on my behalf.

“Yes you do!” 13-year-old.

“Okay. But not too often.” me.

Eye roll…

“Once a week or two, maybe?” me.

Kids looked at me with their death stare.

“2 or 3 times a week?” me.

Hubby chimed in, “You don’t give them unreasonable stress, you give our kids reasonable stress.”

“Yes! Some stress is necessary in life. It is my job to teach you kids how to handle stress.” me.

Finally, I had to know, “Just how often do I cause you stress?”

“…..”silence.

“Every other day?…. every day?” me, prompting for an answer.

“Mom, there are many seconds in the day where you aren’t giving us stress.” 10-year-old piped in.

Category: Humor, Kids, Parents One Comment

Dec

Cousin Itt

admin

Last Saturday was my children’s music school’s Christmas recital, which is their biggest recital of the year.

The kids had spent several months practicing their recital pieces to perfection. I even purchased beautiful dresses for them for the occasion.

As soon as we sat down, I saw from the program guide that my two kids happened to be the last two piano performers.

I have a confession to make here…I was a terrible audience.

As the other young musicians (who undoubtedly worked very hard on them) performed their pieces, I was obsessively fussing over my camera.

I busied away with my camera settings, changing the aperture, iso setting, zoomed in and out, and I used the other performers as models to frame my shots and snapped test shots.

My head grew excited with the prospect of gorgeous pictures of my children playing on a grand piano up on a beautifully decorated stage.

Finally!! My kids’ turn.

I snapped,

Recital photo

and snapped,

No face!!

and snapped,

still no face...

Arrgh….!!!

NO....

This is where I failed to evolve smarter than an orangutan. All that hair, I got no face!! But I kept snapping, and snapping, and snapping….. I WAS MAD.

Cousin Itt playing piano

Category: Humor, Parents Leave a Comment

Nov

Lunch is not for profit

admin

“Do you have lunch money today?” I asked casually as I drove my 13-year-old to school this morning.

“…Give me a twenty.” the kid held out an open hand.

“Do you still have lunch money left?” me.

“You said that you will give me $20 a week.” 13-year-old.

Fishy….the kid is not answering my question.

“I could give you $20, but I noticed that you are eating very cheaply these days.” me.

“I still want my $20 a week!” the young teen demanded.

“Yesterday you had flatbread and some grapes…is that like a dollar fifty?” me.

“$2.25!! But that was more than what I usually spend.” kid. My 13-year-old is rather honest.

“Just look into your bag, and tell me how much money you have?” me.

Kid reached into her school bag, and counted her money.

“Thirteen dollars.” kid.

“Ha, ha, ha, that’s plenty money to buy yourself lunch for the rest of the week. Come to me when you run out of lunch money.” me.

“No! I purposely eat cheap to save my lunch money. So I can buy stuff.” 13-year-old stuck out her open hand further into my face.

School lunch tray

I pushed her hand aside.

“The lunch money is meant for you to eat a healthy and balanced lunch. You can not make money from your lunch money. Your lunch is a non-profit!” I lay down this necessary new rule.

“Oh.” kid.

Many hours later…

After school I asked her, “So what did you eat for lunch today?”

“Pizza, fries, cookie, beef jerky, apple, water, yogurt.” kid.

Previous related posts: Debt vs. Wealth
Teaching Green
Money Well Spent?

Category: Humor, Kids 2 Comments

Oct

When You Do Business with Kids…

admin

“Mom! Can you buy one hundred items this year?” the baby asked with an unusual amount of excitement and anticipation.

Eying the familiar Christmas catalog, I shoot back, “Don’t be crazy! I can’t use 100 rolls of Christmas wrapping paper.”

Every year around this time, my kids come home from school with their holiday shopping catalogs, and approach me as if I am an ATM for their schools’ fall fund-raising events.

I do participate in these events every year, but I just buy a few items. This year was different. The baby had an all purposeful self-imposed goal of selling 100 items.

“Look!” the baby pointed to the award sheet, “If I can sell 100 items, I will win a portable refrigerator!!”

Fundraising catalog featuring SUPER prizes

“Cool.” 13-year-old, “We WANT a portable refrigerator!!”

The kids have long fantasized about owning a portable refrigerator. They think if they have their own refrigerator, they will be able to declare their independence on me.

“I will take your catalog to my school, and sell it to all my friends.” 13-year-old.

Good riddance! I am tired of buying Christmas wrapping paper and Christmas cookies from their catalog every year. I am happy that they are planning to find new customers.

A week went by, the 13-year-old sold a whopping 6 items. I refused the baby’s request to buy 94 more items.

Since our PTA required one check payment for all the items sold, I wrote the check for the total payment due, and told my 13 year-old to turn in all the cash payments to me.

I was dismayed to receive all the cash in the form of a messy stack of wrinkly one dollar bills, and a plastic bag of heavy quarters. (They also short changed me a dollar and fifty. I wasn’t disappointed. I feared worse.)

Dollar bills and coins payment

When you do business with kids, you get paid with piggy bank money.

The baby won 6 fake mustaches for selling 6 items.

Previous related post: The Editor and the Shoe Cleaner

Category: Humor, Kids 2 Comments

Sep

Fear No More!

admin

Everybody suffers from irrational fear, right? I have two of them.

I am deathly afraid of falling off of a blackened rocky cliff, and into a boiling river of hot lava. Seriously. I think I was traumatized by one of the Indiana Jones movies when I was a teen.

I attribute my other irrational fear to a totally random and insignificant chat I had with a co-worker just after college. We had lunch one day, and I discovered that she does not eat chicken.

I felt bad for her, since everything is known to taste like chicken.

She then proceeded to volunteer to me that she and a brother were raised by their single mother. One day, her brother came home from school and declared that he will no longer eat red meat. Since she never ate chicken, their poor mother can only cook fish. She grew so sick of fish!

I could no longer remember her name or what she looked like, but the conversation stuck. Over the years, I grew this deep fear that one or both of my children will return home from school one day a vegetarian! Worse, they will become one of those self righteous vegetarians, who will sit on imaginary high horses, looking down on other people whose diet include animal meat. My head allowed this fear to advance until I will no longer be allowed to eat meat. FREAKING NIGHTMARE! Right?!

I think I could put one of my fears to rest. Last Sunday, we went out to dinner. And this is what my 13-year-old drew on the kids menu:

I love you Future Bacon

Category: Humor, Kids, Parents Leave a Comment

Aug

The Great Impala Poop Adventure

admin

Tomorrow is my kids first day of school. I woke this morning and suddenly grew worried that my kids had too much fun this summer, and had done nothing in any shape or form to keep their brains sharpened for their fast approaching academic life.

“When was the last time you wrote a paper?” I asked my middle schooler.

“I don’t remember.” kid.

“Write me something today.” I ordered.

“WHAT?!” kid.

“I am giving you a writing assignment. It is a good way to prepare your brain for school tomorrow. So, write me something, anything.” me.

And below is what was turned in just before dinner time today:

The Great Impala Poop Adventure

Impala

The day started out innocent enough. We went on our morning game drive at the Londolozi Game Reserve and saw many animals, like zebras, giraffes, elephants. In the afternoon drive things got even better, because our ranger found this really cool porcupine quill and I, Queen Bean, got to keep it. I wanted more to give to my friends, too. It was shortly after that that my troubles began.

Bush Picnic

We had just stopped for our food break when our ranger pointed to a pile of impala poop and said, “There is a childrens game where you put a pellet of impala poop in your mouth and spit it as far as you can past lines drawn on the ground. More point for farther spitting.”

“Nope.” My sister and I didn’t even give it a second thought

“If you do it, I’ll get you more porcupine quills, queenbean,” he told me.

Porcupine quill

BLACKMAIL! I ended up standing about ten feet from a line drawn in the sand with a handful of poop. I was to take a running start and stop at the line, then spit the poop as far as I could to make either 100, 200, 300, or 400 points.

I reluctantly put the poo in my mouth. euuuuuuugh. Took a running start, stopped at the line and SPITTED IT THE HELL OUT. It landed at my feet.

However, being the extremely determined queen I am, I continued to spit the poop until I had a hundred points. Oh sweet victory.

The next day I was presented with another porcupine quill. But GET THIS. My sister also received two porcupine quills, and SHE didn’t have to put poop in her mouth for it. I had a very bad day.

~Queen Beannn.

This is a true story from one of our many game drives in South Africa. This silly child who is the pickiest eater I know, had popped dried up impala poops into her mouth one after another to play this African bush game to earn points for porcupine quills. Too bad, all the pictures from the impala poop game came out terribly blurry because I was laughing so hard.

Obviously she is still alive.

Category: Family Travel Blogs, Humor, Kids Leave a Comment

Aug

A New Wisdom!

admin

We returned home from South Africa almost a week ago.

I learned a most gratifying and valuable wisdom from this trip. I am pleased to say that I uncovered this piece of intelligence entirely by myself while observing wildlife in Kruger National Park.

I am happy to spread this joyful discovery with all my readers:

Quit eating vegetables, or you risk looking like them.

Hippo at Chobe National Park

Rhino at Sabi Sands, Kruger National Park

Elephant at Chobe National Park

Eat meat, so you can look like these fine specimen.

Cheetah, Cape Town.

Leopard, Kruger National Park

Lion, Kruger National Park

You are welcome.

Category: Family Travel Blogs, Humor, Parents Leave a Comment

Jul

Dream and Nightmare

admin

“Mom! I had this dream last night!”

I turned from my coffee machine, and saw my 12-year-old quickly approaching in her pajamas.

“What did you dream about?” me, re-directing my attention back to making my first cup of coffee.

“I dreamed that we were the family in that wife swap show!!” 12-year-old.

I chuckled. Wife Swap is one of our family’s few guilty pleasures. It is a reality TV show, where two polar opposite, dramatically different families swap the wife/mom for two weeks, and experience living with new rules and lifestyles.

“What happened in your dream?” me.

“Our new mom’s rule is no homework!! We can not do any homework for the week!!!!” 12-year-old all wide eyed.

“Ha, ha, ha, that’s quite a dream.” me.

“So, I went to school and told all my teachers about my new mom’s rule. But no body believed me!!” 12-year-old.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!” I laughed even more, “so, is this a DREAM or a nightmare for you?”

“hum….I can’t decide….”12-year-old, thinking to herself rather thoughtfully, “But it is definitely a nightmare for you.”

“Why me?!” me, still chuckling.

“Because! It means your new kids never EVER do their homework, and you are going to make them do homework for a week!” 12-year-old.

Category: Humor, Kids, Parents Leave a Comment

May

Honor Roll…yawn

admin

“Tasterbach! You got Chinese Honor Roll!! I am SO proud of you!” I run over to my baby, rain down hugs and kisses on my 9-year-old, unable to contain my happiness.

The baby was unmoved, just stood still under all my motherly affection, stared at me with an inquisitive frown.

“I just found your Honor Roll certificate from Chinese school! It was in your school bag.” me, pointing at the certificate I just dumped out onto the floor.

Chinese school Honor Roll certificate

“I am so happy that you got on the honor roll in your Chinese school. I can’t believe it!!” me, all smiling and overjoyed.

Baby was curiously stone faced.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I might give you a big present for this.” me, so happy.

“She gave a certificate to everyone in the class.” baby flatly stated.

“Oh.”me.

Category: Humor, Kids, Kids Learn Chinese, Parents One Comment

Archive for the Category »Humor «

Welcome

Archives

Recent Posts

Categories

Blogroll

Recent Posts

Tag Cloud

Meta