Tomorrow is my kids first day of school. I woke this morning and suddenly grew worried that my kids had too much fun this summer, and had done nothing in any shape or form to keep their brains sharpened for their fast approaching academic life.

“When was the last time you wrote a paper?” I asked my middle schooler.

“I don’t remember.” kid.

“Write me something today.” I ordered.

“WHAT?!” kid.

“I am giving you a writing assignment. It is a good way to prepare your brain for school tomorrow. So, write me something, anything.” me.

And below is what was turned in just before dinner time today:

The Great Impala Poop Adventure


The day started out innocent enough. We went on our morning game drive at the Londolozi Game Reserve and saw many animals, like zebras, giraffes, elephants. In the afternoon drive things got even better, because our ranger found this really cool porcupine quill and I, Queen Bean, got to keep it. I wanted more to give to my friends, too. It was shortly after that that my troubles began.

Bush Picnic

We had just stopped for our food break when our ranger pointed to a pile of impala poop and said, “There is a childrens game where you put a pellet of impala poop in your mouth and spit it as far as you can past lines drawn on the ground. More point for farther spitting.”

“Nope.” My sister and I didn’t even give it a second thought

“If you do it, I’ll get you more porcupine quills, queenbean,” he told me.

Porcupine quill

BLACKMAIL! I ended up standing about ten feet from a line drawn in the sand with a handful of poop. I was to take a running start and stop at the line, then spit the poop as far as I could to make either 100, 200, 300, or 400 points.

I reluctantly put the poo in my mouth. euuuuuuugh. Took a running start, stopped at the line and SPITTED IT THE HELL OUT. It landed at my feet.

However, being the extremely determined queen I am, I continued to spit the poop until I had a hundred points. Oh sweet victory.

The next day I was presented with another porcupine quill. But GET THIS. My sister also received two porcupine quills, and SHE didn’t have to put poop in her mouth for it. I had a very bad day.

~Queen Beannn.

This is a true story from one of our many game drives in South Africa. This silly child who is the pickiest eater I know, had popped dried up impala poops into her mouth one after another to play this African bush game to earn points for porcupine quills. Too bad, all the pictures from the impala poop game came out terribly blurry because I was laughing so hard.

Obviously she is still alive.

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